Theresa Dismay (forgotten draft from 2013!)

Here is a forgotten draft post from 2013….  oh my gosh I lubs it so hard:

 

I am pleased to bring you my latest effiginous creation, Theresa Dismay MP/Home Scaretary. She is pictured wielding her Terror Prod™ which she uses to repel/control peasants. Not much more really needs to be said about her, other than the fact that she clearly is at least partly controlled by some demonic force or satan-spawn creature.

The Staggering Cost Of One Man’s Delusions: £25 Billion Squandered On Bungled Welfare Reforms

the void

iain-duncan-smithThe recent report from the Major Projects Authority, which revealed that Universal Credit is such a fucking disaster they had to invent a whole new category to describe it, also laid bare the astronomical cost of Iain Duncan Smith’s welfare reforms.

Just under £11 billion is budgeted to be squandered on some of the DWP’s largest projects, and that figure doesn’t include Universal Credit.  The cost of this hare-brained experiment is shrouded in mystery now it has been classed as ‘reset’, but last year the Major Projects Authority reported the that bill would reach £12.8 billion.

Even this is far from the whole story.  Community Work Placements, the latest mass workfare scheme, will cost almost a third of a billion.  The costs of other Jobcentre schemes, such as Mandatory Work Activity, are not included in the above figures.  At the very least the budgeted costs of welfare reform exceed…

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Westminster Cocaine Scandal – Exclusive!

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Our Glorious Leader & Prime (Roast) Minister David Hameron has today denied that he is responsible for the traces of cocaine found in multiple bathrooms across the Houses of Parliament. Sources close to Mr. Hameron have also strongly disputed claims that he spent £2.3 million of taxpayers’ money on facial de-hamming procedures in a private clinic.

Meanwhile, the cocaine scandal continues to rumble on, with senior Tories advising that any members caught indulging in ‘Swivel-eyed loon powder’ in Westminster bathrooms will be kicked out of the party with immediate effect.  Members are advised that it is ill-befitting to their station to be found partaking of class-A controlled substances from such lower-class locations as toilet cubicles.

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Revealed: The facts about DWP lies

The next installment of this thrilling tale – which comes as I also receive a reply to my FOI request email; unsurprisingly which was also refused on the grounds of it being ‘vexatious in nature’.

Vox Political

I never expected to see the first round of my fightback against the DWP over my ‘Atos deaths’ FoI request fought out at Westminster – by other people. We truly live in interesting times!

I refer to the ‘information gathering’ session of the Commons Work and Pensions committee that took place this afternoon involving John Shield, Director of Communications and David Frazer, Director of Information, Governance and Security Directorate at the Department for Work and Pensions. They provided some fascinating information on the workings of the Department which may prove extremely helpful in the future.

Readers will recall that my request followed one from Samuel Miller about the number of ESA claimants who died in 2012 – while going through the Atos-run work capability assessment process; while appealing against a decision; or shortly after a decision, no matter what it was. In essence, this would be an update of a DWP…

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Will the DWP do ANYTHING to avoid revealing the true extent of the Atos deaths?

The most unbelievable DWP response!?! (We’re closing in on you mofos, with vexatious hexatious curses that will melt your tiny brains…)

Vox Political

The Department for Work and Pensions has turned down my Freedom of Information request on the number of people who have died while going through the Atos benefit assessment process, or shortly afterwards – claiming that I am harassing officials with a co-ordinated, web-based campaign to disrupt the organisation.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “They’re having a laugh, aren’t they?”

Alas, no.

My request was for the department to provide the number of Incapacity Benefit and Employment and Support Allowance claimants who have died in 2012. Please break that figure down into the following categories:

  • Those who are in the assessment phase
  • Those who were found fit for work
  • Those who were placed in the work-related activity group
  • Those who were placed in the support group
  • Those who have an appeal pending

I stated that I was aware that the DWP came under criticism last year because it…

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David Hameron

So it appears that our glorious leader is tanning his spammy complexion in Ibiza, much to the media’s dismay… It looks like the great ham-face will not be around for too long. Which is a shame as I have only just introduced his sweet little effigy-doll, David Hameron.  

It is true that he is not fully factually accurate – as he is created here with a ‘leg of ham’ for a face – whereas in reality the face is composed of a vile spammy mixture of prefabricated ham-like meat-food slices, which contain minimum 38% mystery meat and 17% anus. So I really have done our glorious leader a huge vanity favour, in effect. 

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In other news, Iain Duncan Smith’s effigy-doll was caught hiding behind the dressing table, it seems he has been avoiding the limelight – he also seems to have pulled off his cute little nazi badge and hidden that somewhere but I won’t let him get away with it.  He’s now standing in the corner, which sadly highlights the fact that the blade of his Peasant Scythe is made out of a box of frubes. In a frightening coincidence it is also about to be announced that Mr Duncan Smith designed his welfare reforms on the side of a box of frubes.

I was an unwilling participant in his splendid reforms recently, at my DLA Tribunal. I found this process quite grim, and was fairly miffed when they didn’t give me the result there and then.  So I awaited the decision letter with all the composure of a monkey on crack. I found opening the letter to be the greatest challenge, closely followed by the inability to comprehend the English language whilst striving (ooh I strived, do I get a point?) to read the letter.

The first page of the letter was merely put there to inform me that the letter I was about to read was indeed the letter which I was expecting; namely the tribunal decision letter. I thanked this page for its help and moved swiftly on. I was then faced with a numbered list, of which number 1. stated that “The appeal is allowed.”  Then followed a series of exasperated exclamations along the lines of –

“What does that even MEAN you… flat.. papery… shit?!?” 

So anyway it means I won. Obviously if it had been the other result I would’ve sprung out of my wheelchair and leapt for joy.  But sadly it has now been made official by the British Government that I am virtually unable to walk. This bittersweet sentiment was blasted away by the boisterous glee which accompanied statement number 2. in the list  – “The decision made by the Secretary of State on 08/10/2012 is set aside.” – 

“HA! Take that you… Lying… Secretary of………… Lies!”

The only small dampener is that his original decision has been “set aside” and not shoved up his pompous arse. But nonetheless, it is a large victory, and I must bask in the glory of his defeat for as long as I may be allowed.

Sadly this was cut short almost immediately when I received a 12 page letter asking me to answer some badly-worded questions about stuff they already know, and give them my account details. This seemed ridiculous to me, as they already hold my account details. I was further amused when the letter (printed on 12 sheets of crisp white A4, not their usual loo roll mind you!) asked me for my account details again – the first time was for the arrears, obviously. 

So, having dutifully filled in this bizarre rambling form, and resisted the urge to ask one of my carers to have it sent recorded delivery, I can only hope that this letter won’t become a ‘lost in the post’ statistic. But – I digress…

The work is piling up here at the Voodoo Shack, and I can only hope that my health will improve enough to allow me to carry out the task I have been set – to Curse the Coalition for their crimes against humanity.

My little dolls have already sunk their teeth in and now they have their boggly-eyes (or swivelly? It’s semantics ffs) set upon their targets, and other things as well really those eyes are all over the place. Further dolls are being crafted, and I am not the only one…

Take care, my sweet little sunbeams… much love from the Shack Xxx

 

Mad, Boggly-Eyed Bastards…

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I was very pleased to introduce a few of the first UK Coalition Effigy Dolls recently – 9th May 2013.  They had just been upgraded to fancy new Boggly Eyes, as I felt this gave them the required level of lunacy (high++).  Obviously I am now basking in a smugness-based glee-parade of my own making; please do not disturb.

 

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I am hiding here, from the doomsayer who goes by the name of Postman. His flat paper oblongs of doom & their inclusive informations; all of them be damned, as I await my Tribunal result.  To DLA or not to DLA? That is the question.