So it appears that our glorious leader is tanning his spammy complexion in Ibiza, much to the media’s dismay… It looks like the great ham-face will not be around for too long. Which is a shame as I have only just introduced his sweet little effigy-doll, David Hameron.
It is true that he is not fully factually accurate – as he is created here with a ‘leg of ham’ for a face – whereas in reality the face is composed of a vile spammy mixture of prefabricated ham-like meat-food slices, which contain minimum 38% mystery meat and 17% anus. So I really have done our glorious leader a huge vanity favour, in effect.
In other news, Iain Duncan Smith’s effigy-doll was caught hiding behind the dressing table, it seems he has been avoiding the limelight – he also seems to have pulled off his cute little nazi badge and hidden that somewhere but I won’t let him get away with it. He’s now standing in the corner, which sadly highlights the fact that the blade of his Peasant Scythe is made out of a box of frubes. In a frightening coincidence it is also about to be announced that Mr Duncan Smith designed his welfare reforms on the side of a box of frubes.
I was an unwilling participant in his splendid reforms recently, at my DLA Tribunal. I found this process quite grim, and was fairly miffed when they didn’t give me the result there and then. So I awaited the decision letter with all the composure of a monkey on crack. I found opening the letter to be the greatest challenge, closely followed by the inability to comprehend the English language whilst striving (ooh I strived, do I get a point?) to read the letter.
The first page of the letter was merely put there to inform me that the letter I was about to read was indeed the letter which I was expecting; namely the tribunal decision letter. I thanked this page for its help and moved swiftly on. I was then faced with a numbered list, of which number 1. stated that “The appeal is allowed.” Then followed a series of exasperated exclamations along the lines of –
“What does that even MEAN you… flat.. papery… shit?!?”
So anyway it means I won. Obviously if it had been the other result I would’ve sprung out of my wheelchair and leapt for joy. But sadly it has now been made official by the British Government that I am virtually unable to walk. This bittersweet sentiment was blasted away by the boisterous glee which accompanied statement number 2. in the list – “The decision made by the Secretary of State on 08/10/2012 is set aside.” –
“HA! Take that you… Lying… Secretary of………… Lies!”
The only small dampener is that his original decision has been “set aside” and not shoved up his pompous arse. But nonetheless, it is a large victory, and I must bask in the glory of his defeat for as long as I may be allowed.
Sadly this was cut short almost immediately when I received a 12 page letter asking me to answer some badly-worded questions about stuff they already know, and give them my account details. This seemed ridiculous to me, as they already hold my account details. I was further amused when the letter (printed on 12 sheets of crisp white A4, not their usual loo roll mind you!) asked me for my account details again – the first time was for the arrears, obviously.
So, having dutifully filled in this bizarre rambling form, and resisted the urge to ask one of my carers to have it sent recorded delivery, I can only hope that this letter won’t become a ‘lost in the post’ statistic. But – I digress…
The work is piling up here at the Voodoo Shack, and I can only hope that my health will improve enough to allow me to carry out the task I have been set – to Curse the Coalition for their crimes against humanity.
My little dolls have already sunk their teeth in and now they have their boggly-eyes (or swivelly? It’s semantics ffs) set upon their targets, and other things as well really those eyes are all over the place. Further dolls are being crafted, and I am not the only one…
Take care, my sweet little sunbeams… much love from the Shack Xxx